Still DRUNKKKKKKK (I think)

All I can think about right now….. is getting more booze.

Funny. Addiction is. It’s not rational. It’s not sensical. I can never just rationalize myself out of doing the thing that I KNOW I don’t want to do. That is wrong to do. This is just so obviously the path I don’t need to take.

Yet. It’s so powerful. It’s scary. It’s something I don’t understand nor feel like I ever will.

I gave up a shift tonight because I thought I was going to keep drinking. Right now. I don’t want to drink. But I want to make my night off ‘worth it’. I can literally feel my brain peduluming between ‘YOU DON’T NEED/WANT THIS’ to ‘DO IT’.

Why GOD!!!!

I need a drink. To forget that I need a drink. I want to tear through the neighbor’s vacation rental for that bottle of wine. Anything. I know I will hate myself for it later. That I’ll judge myself for it. All of that shit.

The strange thing is. I know I’ll find happiness just around the corner. Just by not drinking. That’s it! So easy. Yet….. so impossible.

Why was I doomed to this fucked up brain? Why am I fighting with this? WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?

I’m scared. So scared. Guilty. Feeling hopeless. Like I’ll never recover. Like I’m a lost soul. I don’t deserve anything until I recover. That’s how I feel. Unworthy of love. At least until I get my shit together.

How can I overcome this? God. HOW!!! I’ve been reaching out, yet I feel like I’m just grabbing air.

I need a drink.

I feel like I’m just getting worse. Worse by the day. The week. My relapses fall closer and closer together.

When will it be over already? This is so painful. So traumatic. Get me out of this hole, GOD, please get me out of this HOLE!!!!

I need a drink.

Here’s the problem. I think I need a drink to get by a scratchy situation. FCNTN for instance.But then I end up partying and with a long, lingering sadness over my actions. Is it worth it?

I know it’s not. But alcoholism doesn’t think rationally. It just goes.

I need a drink.

But I won’t have a drink. Not now.

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