Last night and this morning I truly scared the shit out of myself. I have never felt such fear and mistrust in the only person I can really count on — myself.
I basically spent the whole day getting drunk, spending money, and driving all over Reno. I drove so drunk that I have no doubt if I didn’t lock my keys in my car at my final destination, Whole Foods, I’m convinced I would have gotten a DUI or into a car wreck. I was so drunk in Whole Foods that the manager came up to me repeatedly asking if I was ok, and also to make sure I wasn’t going to drive anywhere (I’m pretty sure).
Then I couldn’t sleep all night.
I was forced to lie awake with the darkest part of myself. I think the only thing scarier than my dangerous actions are the thoughts in my head. I was literaly drowning in thoughts of self-loathing, shame, with a nice dose of suicidal thoughts (this is my life, I don’t want to live this life, I’m sick in the head, I need help). I have never felt so emotionally sick and weak. It was so painful I couldn’t help but moan in fear and pain.
And the fear. It’s too much. The fear that I can’t trust myself, that I’ll be stuck in this cycle forever and lose everything that means anything to me.
And then this morning. I just thought about the bottle of wine in the living room. About opening it up and getting drunk all over again. Diving back into the cycle that I feel imprisoned by. I see these thoughts and it’s scary, that even in the depths of my despair thoughts like that can enter my mind. It was hours of this until my thoughts finally started to quiet, and I slipped into a strange state of acceptance and peace. Like, ok, what’s done is done, now all I can do is move forward.
I am ready. I am ready to do the work and dive whole-heartedly into recovery. I now realize that I cannot live with alcohol in my life. And even if I moderate successfully for a time, it’s only a slippery slope with me that will end in my hurting myself or someone else. I am positive that if I don’t make a change, I will kill myself.
But I am still weak. I still worry because I can feel those cravings and addict qualities sitting right at the edge of their seat. I’m nervous I’ll go to work and slip up and end up getting a glass of wine. Or tomorrow, behind the bar, I’ll slip up. I already fear the fear.
I listened to a few podcasts about addiction today. One man pointed out that one of the things that helped him the most in his recovery was realizing that he isn’t his thoughts. Our thoughts are just that, thoughts. And we must be as aggressive again our thoughts as they are persistent within us.
Also, that we should not think that we are so special and unique that the tools that have helped millions of others will not help us.
When we are falling on and off the wagon, it means we just haven’t found the right combination of tools we personally need for our own recovery. I know, and have faith, that I will overcome this. But when? The desperation is almost too much. I don’t want to lose everything because I hit rock bottom.
I know my recovery will be rooted in rewiring my brain. I need to stop judging and identifying with my thoughts.
Laura. You are going to overcome this. You got this. I have faith.