I feel as though the last 48 hours has been an exhausting, if not eye-opening, emotional whirlwind. I’ve gone through every emotion from self-loathing, shame, guilt, hopelessness (this has been huge), to hopeful, encouraging, and peaceful. Reading the Eckhart Tolle teachings about how we are not our thoughts really hit a chord with me. Also, we only experience pain and suffering when we are not present. This is what I was doing, and tend to do, constantly. I freak out because I already dread relapsing, as if it’s happened already. But I am only freaking out over an imaginary future. Once I brought myself to the present, and put myself in a state of acceptance over my true reality (as opposed to holding onto some fake version of myself), I regained a sense of calm and serenity. This applied to even my room being messy and other things I tend to judge myself on. Once I surrendered myself to a state of acceptance, the fear washed away. I was so nervous about cravings at work, but when I went I kept striving to be present, and accepting, and observant (as opposed to judgey) and I felt such a strong sense of peace. I did not flare up when I picked up alcohol from the bar, or even felt a sense of loss or jelousy when I noticed my guests could enjoy a glass of wine with dinner (this used to upset me or I would take it personally). For too long I have attached myself to my thoughts and the stories I would make up in my head. But I am not my stories, nor my thoughts. This is very liberating. I will continue to work on living in the present in a state of complete acceptance, to not judge myself or allow the noise of my mind to runaway with me. I will try to work on meditating more so that I can regain a new sense of calm and detatchment from my thoughts.
This is day 1 and I am so blessed to be sober and in both physical and spiritual recovery. I know that I will have to work harder than some, but I am ready to do the work. I am excited to finally be free of this cyclical trap, and be present in the moment.