Day 19. My relationships and booze.

I’ve had four major relationships during my twenties. They have been with three guys, and, of course, booze.

Let’s take it back.

Age 21: I lost my virginity while I was drunk. I’m pretty sure that’s the only way I would have been brave enough to let it happen. It was with a guy I was casually, but exclusively, seeing in college.

Age 22-25 or so: My first major relationship. This is when my drinking and adderall career was really taking off. I would take adderall to be productive, then drink to bring myself back down at night. I can think of so many times when I would be hungover and needy for my ex, E, especially when we lived together. Looking back, I am certain my boozy ways fueled my passive aggressive narcassicim, and played a huge role in making our relationship dysfunctional/unbalanced. I definitely walked all over him and took huge advantage of his kindness and love for me.

Age 26-28: Second big relationship. Kind of jumped from one to the next. This one got started from a booze-soaked week of climbing and camping in SoCal. So yeah, this one started from the sauce as well. This is also the first person to confront me about my drinking. So many nights he would come over on a Tuesday evening and I would be shots deep in tequila. I loved drinking tequila every night for a while there. After he confronted me I would begin hiding my drinking from him, though I’m sure he was no dummy and could see right through me. I remember I would get angry/frustrated when I knew he could see through me, or called me out. I was still pretty deep in denial. Toward the end, however, I began to realize I did probably have a drinking problem.

Age 29 – now: When I met Karl we went out to a restaurant and proceeded to go tit for tat on drinks. I think I was pretty thrilled to find a guy who didn’t bat an eye to the amount I could consume. Every time we hung out after that we would just get WASTED. I remember always leaving his place super hungover the next morning. Not long after we met I got demoted at work for drinking on the job followed by my DUI. I was finally fed up with alcohol ruining my life. Now I feel like I’m in a weird place because I sense that a part of him misses my drinking self. I struggled with this thought for the first year but now I’m at a point where I know it’s life and death, and I just have to figure out how to rediscover those enjoyable qualities that come out when I’m drinking (heightened sexual drive, goofy, etc). I’m confident I will, and when I do it will be so much better than before.

Reflecting back, I definitely recognize a lot of repetitive patterns in my relationships. I would get angry when I felt vulnerable or when I felt like my mate could see right through me, after which I would think “I don’t need you anyway”. Oh pride, you little fucker. Passive aggression is one I’ve had since I was young, and will probably linger on well into my sobriety. That will take some major work.

Anyways, I’m curious to see how this relationship progresses alongside my sobriety. K is definitely a big drinker, and still figuring out his relationship with alcohol. I can confidently say he drinks more than the average male. Sometimes I wonder if he spent the time he expends drinking on working on his book where he would stand with that. But then again, i could say the same for myself for the past ten years, so it’s none of my business. I only wish the best for him and trust he will do and realize what’s best for himself as/when the times comes.

 

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