Day 20. Bloody mary brunch today.

I just went to the store to pick up brunch stuff and bloody mary stuff. I’m hosting a chola brunch for V-Day this morning. This was my first time strolling through a liquor aisle since going sobs and, to be honest, nada. Not a flinch. Not a flare-up. It was such an anticlimactic event that I almost didn’t write about it because it felt like nothing to write about.

Obvious situations like that aren’t what get me. It’s the really random, off the wall things that get me. Like, right now, I’m sick AGAIN. After being deathly ill for the entire month of January. I will admit it’s been difficult to not get frustrated. I feel like I’ve gotten my life together since I last got sick. I haven’t drank, I’ve been exercising, and eating well. And yet, here I am. But I realize I can’t reisist it, I have to trust in the universe. I might be detoxing from something or my body might just be releasing shit. And I’m sure there’s A LOT of shit to be released.

So yeah, feeling below the weather makes me think about drinking. I used to love drinking to perk me up a bit from feeling like crap. There’s a bottle of Fernet on the fridge right now that would be perfect for this crappy sensation. I could just go have a sip and nobody would know. Just finish off the bottle, there’s only a little bit left. No biggie, right? Fernet, it’s medicinal. It will probably kill some germs along the way.

Hah. But i already KNOW what would happen if I did that. I would end up sneaking booze behind everyone’s back somehow. Get drunk. Try to pretend and hide it even though these are all my closest friends who can see RIGHT THROUGH ME! Then I would drive to work drunk and fumble around in misery on a busy night. Probably sneaking more booze as I went along.

This is not something that ‘might’ happen if I drank, this is something that ‘would’ happen if I drank. I know myself way too well. All it takes is that tipping point of the first drink. So I’ll pass.

Purchased a new book yesterday. It’s titled ‘Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction.” I’ve barely put a ding into the first chapter and already I’m loving it. I am so blessed to have finally found a recovery path that I connect with. AA just wasn’t doing it for me, and obviousy my past attempts to stay sober have ended up in flames. Interestingly enough, the foofy stuff that I felt like was too abstract for me in the past now resonates so strongly in my heart. I guess I just needed to be ready for it.

Tomorrow will be THREE WEEKS of sobriety! And in ten days I would be getting my 30 day chip in AA.

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