Last night I relapsed.
Yes, this is a setback, but unlike before, I’m not beating myself up for it. I know exactly how and why it happened.
I now know I can’t just do a line of coke and stay sober. End of story.
I went out to FNCTN last night to take photos. I was having a great time without so much as a thought of booze on the brain. Then Meech wanted to borrow 20 to buy a little bit of coke. While I still had no desire to drink, the idea of a bump of coke to perk me up sounded awesome. Plus, I know a bunch of non-drinkers who still dabble in drugs, so that’s how I rationalized it in my head.
Yup. Come to find, I can’t be one of those people. Haha.
As soon as I had one bump of coke I just wanted more, more, more. The relapse happened way before the drink hit my lips because the alcoholic mindset kicked in right off the gate.
After FNCTN, we went to Lucky Beaver where once the coke ran out I couldn’t even concentrate on conversation because all I could think about was finding a way to sneak a shot of tequila from the bar somehow. I battled between this thought and telling myself I had 24 days of sobriety and did not want to ruin my hard work now. It was a freaking battlefield in my head, and I decided to just leave and go home/bed before I did anything dumb. Plus I was driving.
So I made it through that. Accountability (everybody thinks I’m not drinking) was probably a huge player in keeping me from boozing at the Beav.
Unfortunately, when I got home the edge from the coke was still so sharp that I couldn’t stop obsessing over getting a drink. I knew there was vodka in the freezer and Fernet on the fridge. And that’s when my body took over.
I literally felt like I stood back and observed my body pour the shot. I had one and went to work on cleaning and interview questions for the Journal. I successfully managed to remain mindful and enjoy my buzz for a bit before the obsessing for more kicked in. And that’s when it went tumbling down.
One, after another, after another. I took about 4-5 shots and could not stop obsessing over the next even before the previous shot kicked in. Yeah. Total alcoholic brain in action. I will say it was interesting to be able to observe myself in that state after having done so much work and research on this shit over the past few weeks. It really was like watching a sick person seizure on the floor or something.
I finally forced myself to go lay down. Luckily, the shots I poured were really small and while I got tipsy, I didn’t wake up with a hangover.
I never really went to sleep though. What was interesting this time around was I was able to observe my relapse without judgement. I didn’t put a label on it, I didn’t get angry or frustrated (like I would in the past). I just kind of watched it go down like a shakespearean play or something.
I guess I found solace in knowing exactly what caused the relapse, and knowing it was something that is easily preventable. I just can’t do hard drugs. Hard drugs kick in my obsessive alcoholic brain. Whatever hard drugs do to my brain is way more powerful than my tools.
I will say that I had a good time being out and social. I know I could have done it sober and had a blast. I’m still so new in my sobriety that I haven’t figured out my social nightlife situation. I think I am going to have to really work on my mindfulness game so that I don’t feel the need to enhance an already perfect moment.
I am definitely sleep deprived. I had thoughts of drinking my day away today this morning, which is typical when I’m not feeling 100% and boozing is in my recent past (sickly mind telling me ‘you just drank so what’s one more day?’).
But I’m not riddled with fear. It feels good to face this setback with confidence and hope for my future, rather than feeling defeated. Yes. That alone tells me I have come a long way since beginning my recover. In fact, I think this relapse is just a part of my recovery.
So it’s been 25 days since my recovery. 1 day sober.
I bid you good day!