I had no idea how much joy recovery could bring to my life. It’s interesting, how I used to think negatively about people ‘in recovery’. Like they are going through a crappy phase but hopefully be out of it soon.
This journey has been nothing short of amazing. I am living the life I have always wanted, and being the person I always imagined myself to be (most of the time). Yes, there’s always going to be work to be done, but the journey so far has been nothing short of amazing.
Last night, as I was curled up in bed with Karl reading my ‘Mindful Recovery’ book, candle burning by the bed and plant hanging above me, I have never felt so fulfilled or at peace with a moment. It was such a perfect moment.
And yes. I relapsed on Thursday night. But it hardly sits on my mind. I haven’t dwelled or allowed it to define my recovery at all. So I did coke, and that made me want to drink. So no more coke ever again. Done. Clear-cut solution to clear-cut problem.
So today is the last day of my DUI school. After this, it’s all about making payments and not getting another DUI (should be doable if I’m sober).
Is it weird to say that I think I’m going to miss DUI classes a bit? And I’m REALLY going to miss Misty, the chick who runs our group. Right away I fell in love with her as a person. She just exudes this amazing presence. She laughs a lot, she’s funny, she’s empathetic, she never comes off as judgmental. She’s also been sober for 21 years. There is so much I admire about her and appreciate about her.
Also, I believe DUI class played a huge role in my recovery. It helped me go to a few AA meetings. I learned a lot about the effects of alcohol on people and society. Misty in group helped us open up about goals and gratitude and just talk about stuff. The whole thing was kind of a mini-rehab, a nice supplement to the work I’ve been doing on my own. I will say its nice because I really thought there I was going to end up having to pay zillions for a real rehab.
I can’t believe it’s already been so long since my DUI. Wow. What a trip.
It feels like just yesterday I saw those light go off behind me, and immediately I texted Karl that I was getting a DUI. I just knew. I know I’m an obvious drunk and I knew I had way to much to drink.
So interesting, because I remember all the events of that evening. Meeting up with the girls for happy hour at Azul (few drinks there). Then going to Terra’s to hang out with her and Robin (bottle of wine to the dome there). Then driving to go meet a dude (even though I was seeing Karl at this point) at Whiskey Dick’s. Getting pulled over for my busted license plate light. Getting arrested. Crying. Going to jail. Getting kind of harassed by the police, who came off as rather ignorant and rude (though I’m having to deal with degenerates constantly brings this out in them). Laying on cement and staring at the wall, getting no sleep whatsoever. Calling bailbondsman. Calling Terra once I was out. The shitty feeling when I finally got home in my walk-of-shame gear. UGH!
What a horrible night. But also, something I believe HAD to happen to make me realize that drinking was only FUCKING with my life.
I think that night, and 29 nights ago, were the two worst nights/mornings of my life. But they are bottoms upon which I am building my recovery upon. So I’ll take it.
So much love and gratitude for everything right now. I am blessed blessed blesssed!