I just got back from a week on the road in Utah. I immersed myself into the trip, which meant I didn’t really take time to do my spritual workouts. Each day was packed though I did do some reflection on my sobriety while I was high on acid in Bryce.
It was interesting because at one point the thought of relapsing come to me while I was having the time of my life in Bryce Canyon. I became wrenched with fear at the mere though of relapse, and started to go through an imaginary storyline of what it would look like.
No matter how long I’m sober, I’ll never be safe from relapse. People relapse even when they’ve been sober for so long. I would relapse and probably fall even deeper into my alcoholism. I’ll struggle with it for another few years at least. I’ll lose so much. ETC.
It was such a heavy and horrible thought, especially on Acid, that I told myself, “NO! I’m not thinking about that right now! I’m in Bryce Canyon having one of the most amazing weeks of my life!”So I pushed it out of my mind in typical avoidance fashion.
But then, a little bit later, I realized that avoiding my fears and darkness are exactly what I had been doing for too long, and what had gotten me into a mess in the first place. I realized that yes, I had to face those thoughts head on. Right now. High as a kite.
And I did. I told myself that these were just thoughts, nothing that had any weight. And that it was normal at this point in my early sobriety for these fears to rear their heads when I least expect, or want them, to. Then I remembered that I want to approach my sobriety with love, not fear.
Facing my shit head on is something I feel like I’ll always be working on. But I gladly accept that challenge.
Anyways, I got close enough to relapse at one point to scheme how I would sneak a beer behind Meech’s back while she was in the bathroom. Scary close. I wanted a drink because some friends I haven’t seen in at least 10 years were showing up and I wanted to loosen up and feel fun when they arrived.
Thankfully, Meech rolled back from camp, and she KNOWS when I’ve been sneaking around, so I decided against it. Too much work to pull it off.
I need to remember to trust the process of sobriety rather than give in to old impulses. New situations can throw me off and I think that’s why it’s important to be constantly reviewing my tools.
Anyways, I had an amazing trip but one thing I’m happy to be returning to is this blog and being of service to others in recovery forums.