Oh boy. 60 days in recovery.
I choose to count from the day I really began healing rather than from the last day I drank (ummm, about 3-4 weeks ago?). That night pretty much had to happen for me to realize that I can’t partake of party drugs because they will inevitably lead me to drink.
Interestingly enough, that night my body went into relapse but not my mind. I don’t really know how to describe that, but I felt like I was standing next to myself, observing it as it took place without getting angry, depressed, or judgmental. I didn’t wake up with a hangover the next morning. and within a few days I even forgot it happened. The mental switch had already happened. I was already deep along my road to spiritual recovery.
What an incredible journey it has been so far. So MANY changes. Dropping alcohol. Becoming vegan. Deciding to enter a fitness competition. Getting my financial shit in order.
And, most importantly, the crazy rewiring of my mind and spirit!
I think the most awesome of changes has been the disappearance of my CRIPPLING big picture anxiety. I recall standing in the shower just DWELLING on the Sierra contract, about feeling like I, and the Journal, were not getting taken seriously or perceived as a joke (writing stories, not being present). I had huge anxiety about my drinking as I felt it symbolized my inability to control thus trust myself.
I knew if I kept drinking I would lose everything that meant anything to me—my relationship (I was DRAINING K while in my depressed states, plus I would potentially cheat in a blackout), my business (because I would deal with things with a total lack of confidence and also never progress because of my drinking/hangovers), my fitness (just not doing anything towards it), and my joy (I know I am an inherently happy/funny person, but that is not the case while I’m in my alcoholic depression).
Sure, there are things I have to work on and relearn. Rediscovering my sexual prowess, since I am not as wild in bed as I was when tipsy. Pulling that ballsy confidence I sought out while drinking to talk to others and face awkwardness. Finding that drive to be out and social (which I’m quickly realizing I’m getting better at!).
Finding these these qualities may take time and work, but it’s totally worth not wanting to kill myself or being of danger to others.
I am so full of gratitude to be on this journey. I think one of the things that has given me the most joy has been talking and (hopefully) being of service to other in the community forums.
Here’s my most recent two posts, and I have another whammy I plan on writing today!
I saw this quote on a Reddit thread and I think it perfectly encapsulates an alcoholic’s relationship with moderation.
Paul’s latest podcast/interview touches on this as well. As his guest mentions, “I moderated for a while, but it was so exhausting. Even if I was only having one glass of wine that night all I could think about was how I wanted more.” (loosely quoted based on my memory)
I totally relate with this.
When I tried moderating, even while I was successful, I would still be dwelling on wanting more.
Yeah, perhaps I was drinking moderately, but I wasn’t enjoying it. It was basically defeating the whole point of what I was trying to accomplish through moderate drinking: to relax and enjoy myself.
No. Instead, I was anxious about wanting more and not present in what should be an enjoyable time.
Not to mention I could only moderately drink so many times before spiraling out of control again.
It was like running in an ‘effing hamster wheel.
I am so grateful I was finally willing to realize and accept that it wasn’t worth it anymore. Once I did, it was like a huge WEIGHT lifted off my shoulders!
I CAN’T drink moderately! WOO-HOO! That’s all I needed to know! Now I can move on with my life knowing what I need to do!