My physical state has been so emotionally charged and volotile lately. My fight or flight response gets lit when I least expect it. Anxiety is back with a vengeance. A strong sense of unworthiness. Feeling judgmental. Projecting my insecurities onto others.
I don’t like the way these things feel. I see it happening, and I resist. I tell myself to accept and surrender, but apparently mind and body seem to want to take a different path. I know it’s just my ego trying to grip onto whatever it can to stay alive and well.
But the feels are so intense. My chest gets tight and my heart starts beating faster. It’s happening even as I type this, and I have no idea where it’s coming from.
Sierra is getting to me again. I was able to let go of the expectations of that relationship for two months, but now I am beginning to take on the stress of my projections. I’m struggling with letting it go again. The season is almost done and I feel anxious about how we are going to close out with them. It’s only two weeks away, and I just think about how I want to cling to Meech’s confidence in approaching it. I think my desire to control the situation, or know what the outcome is, is bugging me. I want to surrender control and just be in the present moment, trusting in the universe and what it’s doing.
I also think my constant distraction by social media is wearing on me. My inability to focus on the present moment is wearing on me. Feeling unable to trust is wearing on me.
I’m struggling with observing these emotions without putting a label or judging them. I don’t feel like I can talk about them because I don’t want to dump onto others.
Gah. I just feel all out of sorts. Not sure how to navigate these emotions and anxieties but I suppose I will just do the best I can with the tools I have.