I relapsed in an epic fashion, because, well, I don’t think I’m capable of doing it any other way.
I suppose I shouldn’t be so surprised. I have been feeling rather disconnected from my higher power or whatever you wanna call it. My link to the universe. Etc.
I have been really struggling with remaining present. I find myself wrestling with thoughts of the future or past, then judging myself for it. Old habits die hard I suppose.
This sobriety thing, it’s like learning to walk all over again. I know deep down in my heart of hearts that I will overcome this thing, and that I’m simply going through the early learning/adjustment stages.
My relapses are interesting. I definitely relapse before the drink ever hits my lips. It’s this weird, like, thing that I think about doing, then I decide to do it. It just kind of happens in a flicker. I’m calm, and accept and embrace the mental decision. Then I become excited. Once I’ve decided I want a drink, I get so excited. Like the way one would before a first date. Or revisiting an old friend. I think about how good the wine will taste when it hits my lips, the feeling after that first glass. It will be a romatic and incredible reunion. The rose colored lenses will set in and I’ll be feeling amazing.
Then I ponder all the immediate benefits I’ll reap. I’ll feel so much jollyier, and will be more fun to be around. Etc etc.
What I don’t think about is when the cocaine cravings kick in (usually after the third glass of wine). The self-loathing hangover the next morning.
In fact, even when I do try to remind myself of that I’m so far into my mental relapse it’s hopeless. I realize that once I’ve dug my hole mentally its pretty much impossible to climb back out of.
I don’t understand why I have such a hard time reeling myself back from the mental relapse. Because once I’m in that state it’s this strong sense of acceptance to the fact that I’m going to drink. Of course, I try to THINK my way out of it but that never works.
And the strange thing is these cravings seriously come out of nowhere. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been sober, it rears its head with a vengeance.
So I think what I need to do is understand and accept they will come, and learn a more effective way to ride that tide. I have to TRUST that the long-term payoff is so much better than the short-term payoff, and realize that my ego doesn’t define me.
Maybe practice with the small everyday stuff so I can deal with the big things. Food cravings. Sugar cravings. Mindset habits. They will give me the ability to keep my tools sharp and spiritual sobriety strong.