Finding Compassion for my Pain

I am love. I am selfless compassion. I am forgiveness.

This last week, I suffered. I reopened my wounds and let my soul bleed as I scrambled to take control of my emotional state. I drank. I hid it. I lied. I did no honor my needs. I fought against my darkness, judge it, labeled it, and refused to hold space for it.

And thus, I came crashing to another rock bottom. Last night I lay in a state of complete and utter discomfort, down to my very core, my bones, my mind. I tried to not fight it, to surrender, but there were blockages in my channels.

I realize that I haven’t been allowing myself to be. I haven’t been compassionate to my story, my reality, to my truth. I haven’t been feeling spiritually in sync, and I haven’t been forgiving or compassionate about that fact.

The thing is, I want to love like I have never loved before. I want to shine compassion like I’ve never done before. And it must begin with myself. To myself. To my truth. To the moment at hand.

I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to struggle or suffer. Over and over, I keep building the same familiar jail cell for myself. But it doesn’t need to be that way. I keep reaching and grasping and writhing for answers and relief, but I realize those things do not exist ‘out there’, but are already inside me.

I would be lying if I said I feel liberated, free of the fear of future and of a hopeless life. There are irrational fears, but for some reason my mind and heart still cling to them.

But I will continue to turn the compassion within. To nurture the little girl inside me, the joyful true Laura within, my peaceful heart. I will continue to hold my own hand, to love myself, to provide, to show pure and compassionate love.

To hold the moment for myself. To be fully present and aware in it. To allow myself to simply be.

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