Grappling with a fear of future pain.

Remember, in January, when I was on top of the world on my spiritual pink cloud? Everything suddenly made sense and I was able to live fully in the moment. My anxiety washed away and I was in such incredible peace with my truth. It was truly a beautiful time. I felt so connected to the universe and in sync with myself.

I read back to my January 28 post, and I can’t help but wonder—what happened since then? How did I slip away, gradually disconnecting from the light? And then I begin wishing I could go back to that place of spiritual connectivity.

I realize I shouldn’t be trying to cling to a moment or time in my past, good or bad. I am in a new place today, moving forward to new understandings.

But I am struggling with accepting the fact that I’ve been drinking again. And now my drinking has become such a secret, a burden to bear. I hid wine bottles from others, and chugged while backs were turned. I was convinced nobody would notice I was getting drunk (I don’t think anybody did) and vowed to control it.

But, at the end of the day, I’M the one that carries that burden of knowing. And it feels like a huge weight on my heart. I’m so afraid of disappointing others, of people no longer believing in my or supporting me.

I don’t want to keep living a lie. Of telling others I’ve stopped drinking when I’m just going to turn around a drink in their absence.

But you know what. I’m going to get to a place where I can accept my reality. This moment is the most powerful moment, the present.

I know there is a light that shines within me. It is filled with pure compassion, and love, and forgiveness.

This morning I meditated. I faced my bedroom window, towards the morning light, and I closed my eyes, and I tried to turn inward. To that place of light and power.

I will not lie, I am struggling shaking off this irrational fear of future pain. Of relapse. Of the unknown. I’m attaching to these false realities, even my past, and placing labels. But I won’t give up. It might take more work and more time than last time, but I won’t give up.

 

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