I must say that I am amazed at the fact I didn’t drink last night.
My mind was toying with the idea of heading over to Starbucks to work and sip on some of their pinot noir. After the gym. When I got home. But then I lost steam for getting ready to go out, and even the steam to drink, and stayed home and read and finish my Google Analytics course. I was so relieved I did. And so glad I didn’t have to white knuckle through brooding over drinking.
The girls tried to get me to go out, but since I’ve been sneaky drinking lately I really didn’t trust myself to be in that environment. Plus, I really have my eye on the prize for getting this training done, improving my resume, my LinkedIN, and all that.
The thing is. I feel like all my old tools have lost their touch. That state where not drinking simply seemed like the natural choice…. gone. I’m trying to be present, even meditated one morning, but somethings amiss and I can’t put my finger on it.
But last night happened, and I’m so thankful. No hangover today! Two nights ago I broke down and ended up drinking some fernet and wine while closing the bar. It literally came out of nowhere, while Jenny and April and MGT were sitting at the bar with me. I wanted to join them in the fun. Secretly.
What DID surprise me that evening, though, was that I managed to stop drinking. Like, I said ‘enough’ after a certain point, and put the wine away. That really surprised me. Could it be that even in my relapse, or setback, there are signs of improvement?
I know I am going to overcome this. I realize it will take time, and lots of one steps forward two steps back. But I won’t give up. This is too worth it. This morning is so worth it. This, right here, is why it’s worth it.