As you know, I’ve been feeling lost on this path to recovery lately. I feel like I’ve strayed on this dirt road and have been unable to relocate it. I went from feeling like I’ve been in recovery, to being a dry drunk. And it’s not been fun. White knuckling through the day with a sense of mistrust with self and a constant hum of fear as background noise in my head has been painful.
Not to mention the yo-yoing. Drinking. Not drinking. Drinking. Drinking. Not drinking.
When the fuck is it going to be all over already?
Well, I had a shift the other morning, when I finally decided to reach out to my recovery group. I ended up drinking the night before, and eventually doing a bunch of blow. I told Heather I was going to pick up take-out food (I was) and drove to the boathouse for wine with sunset. I had two glasses of wine, which were hefty, and had a great chat with the employees there. I think one of the guys thought we were hitting it off because the chemistry was pretty good. I was just thankful to have someone who would really get down with me.
Then, as I was backing out to go pick up my take out and some coke, I backed up into another car. My left rear tail light blow to smithereens but by some strange grace of the universe, the other persons truck was left unscathed.
Unfortuntely, I have a witness. A guy who was right next to me stopped and got out of his car to check on me and the scene. I got out and starting talking with him, and we actually got along great (seems to happen to me when I’m drunk). I checked the damage with him and he agreed I was pretty much the only one who got the short end of the stick. Still, to come off like a great citizen, I left a note with my insurance information and picked up the shattered pieces of taillight. Then I noticed the guy hovering, probably hoping to get my number. Yeah right. I was like ‘byeeeee’ and zipped out.
Then, I parked around the corner, waited a few minutes for the scene to clear, drove back, toke the note and left. I decided since there was nary a sign of damage or evidence (I picked up the shit show) that they would never suspect anything happened.
Wow. I am not going to lie, that was a shameful moment for me. I can only imagine if it hadn’t been that one truck, but another car instead. An expensive car. Or if I had already purchased my new car. Damn. I would have been fucked.
Anyways, I went to Nephele’s, got my cocaine, and drank water because a ton of Riva peeps were there. Wow, I was being so showoffy about it, shoving my drinks into people’s faces saying ‘Guess what I’m drinking!’ because it looked like a real cocktail.
Anyways, used up all the coke, stayed up super late, and drove home with a busted taillight like I was fishing for a second DUI.
Needless to say, the next morning I was in the pits. I went to bed at 5 and woke up at 7. Decided to post a video to Cafe RE about my yo-yoing (I had been MIA for a tad because of my shame).
Wow. Everyone reached out to me with so much compassion, empathy, and wisdom. I was literally dogpiled with love. Wonderful links to websites and tokens I would have never thought to ponder.
But what I mainly learned was…. self-compassion.
THAT’S why I’ve been relapsing. I haven’t been practicing self-love and self-compassion.
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I went to work that day, slept all that night, from 6 to the next morning. And the following morning I felt like a new person. Like I was READY to take this on again. I had a new frame of thought and a clear idea of what I needed to work on and what was causing my relapses in the past.
I just need to work on my self-compassion.Self-love. Self-forgiveness.
I mean, how could anyone move forward in learning new things and pushing themselves forward if they don’t have this tool?
I still have a bunch of my old tools. Surrender. Presence. But I think this was a big one that was missing from the arsenal.
Learning to be ok with the moment, and the feels, is what I really need to do. But I think that boils down to being ok with myself. How I am in that moment.
So here goes. I’ve been given another chance.