I’ve been on another relapse streak. Relapse these days feels so much dirtier because I now have to hide it which feels so disingenuous. I’ve never attempted to live a double life until now and I’m coming to realize that it eats away at my soul.
Unfortunately, (but fortunately), Karl saw right through me all those times. He can sense when I’m acting different, and he’s said that aside from the physical giveaways he notices a shift in my personality.
Two nights ago I arrived to Karl’s house with a bottle of wine and said “I decided I was going to drink wine and I didn’t want to have to hide it from you. I’m going to drink tonight and go to an AA meeting tomorrow.”
He gave me a kiss and said, “Ok, I’m glad you’re being honest with me.”
And we drank. I really wanted to have this one last fabulous night, the two of us enjoying each others’ company with our inhibitions lowered. Maybe some good sex. But I’m really realizing that it’s not that much different, or better, than when I’m not drinking. And I always get too tired for sex. So that aspect was a bust.
I did go to my first AA meeting in a long time yesterday. Unfortunetely, when I went to my car to grab the last few mini bottles of wine…the minute they touched my fingers it was game over. I hemmed and hawed until I finally cracked one and downed it.
Then another. Pre-gaming for my AA meeting.
I even made a video for Cafe RE. Ah. I mean I went all out with living my lie/double-life yesterday.
The meeting was amazing. It was a 5:30 women’s group that met at the Triangle club in midtown Reno. I got picked to speak and ended up breaking down. But the women were amazing and I couldn’t help but wish there was a group like that in Tahoe. But I look forward to building my AA family in Reno.
So after my meeting I went out for a glass of wine and CHEESE at Midtown Cafe. Then I went home and excitedly offered to go to the store to get stuff to make dinner. But really all i wanted was to get my hands on more wine.
And so the night went. I don’t remember anything after dinner but Karl tells me he asked if I had been drinking and I broke down crying. He then investigated and found tiny wine bottles in my purse, car, and in my bag.
Strangely, I felt so relieved to know that he knew everything. I realize that feeling seen despite my shame and guilt is a huge weight off my shoulders. To be accepted and supported as I was, rather than as an idea of who I should be.
So, let’s do this. Recovery is the thing I want the most in this life, and I know no matter how many times I slip I will never give up.
So what did I learn this time?
I learned that I not only suck at living a double life, but it eats away at my soul.
I know when I am not doing the work, I disconnect from my recovery.