I woke up this morning extra early, tired, and feeling anxious. My mind felt heavy and was racing with all the things I need to do, how I was feeling behind with Journal stuff, etc. I knew immediately I needed to do some work. Talk to myself. Meditate. Write. Do my sob solution work.
One of the stories that my ego tells me is that I don’t have enough time for anything. Or that I’m short on time. This is when I tell myself that not only do I have time, I will MAKE time. I don’t need to skip my recovery work and stuff, I just need to stay focused and stick to my budgeted times. I know that I fear not having the time to do the things I love (backpacking, working out, etc) and my career stuff. But I am not drinking and thus trust that I am still settling into my groove of accomplishing things.
I also had a mini-freak out yesterday when I went to Reno to see Karl on campus (UNR). I was only there for an hour but for some reason the heat, combined with being able to see the casinos from campus, triggered an intense reaction. I think the idea of potentially living there got too real. Thoughts of how it was living in AZ came flooding into my mind, a lifestyle/environment I did NOT want to live again. Also, I have a bit of disdain for everything the casinos represent.
Anyways, I ended up getting called into work. I was super bummed because I was expecting to spend the night with Karl, but also so excited to get the fuck out of Reno and back in Tahoe.
I knew on the way home i had to work through this emotional rollar coaster. Where the hell did it come from? Why was it so strong?
I litereally had a compassionate conversation with myself in the second person in the car, asking myself the therapist questions. And no crap, it really helped me navigate through my feelings.
I realized that I was projecting my past, and fears, onto Reno. I’m not the same person I was when I was living in AZ, and I feel like Reno will no be condusive to the lifestyle I want to lead. I also feel like Reno isn’t in alignment with my values.
But, I also realized, that I was doing to Reno what I hate that people do to Tahoe. I was asking ‘What can Reno offer me? What can I get out of this? ME ME ME ME!’ I was observing Reno from a selfish standpoint. And THAT, I realize, is not condusive to my values or the direction I want to go in my life.
I realize that I want to move in a direction where my actions of of service to others. I am moving to a point in my life where it’s not all about me, but also about the people I care about, and my community.
Plus, I was shooting Reno down before I even gave it an earnest chance. Who knows, I could be stoked in Reno. I’m considering graduate school and I may fall in love with my teachers/programs and the forward movement. I also want to see Karl thrive in his career.
But I will say this made me thing about some of my longer term plans. I know now I want to at least end up somewhere like Tahoe, if not Tahoe. I think once we make some money I would love to start a business (healthy restaurant/cafe?) in the area. I just want to be able to contribute and love where I live! I never realized how imporant this was to me till now.
So, having spent that hot ass hour in Reno, I’ve been RELISHING every minute of Tahoe now. My bike rides to work. Sitting outside typing this right now. I have a newfound appreciation for these little things that make my day so special.
Anyways, the 30 day sob solution is going along well. I’ve just finished phase 1 today. I will go back and reflect on what I’ve learned and written for the past week of homework.
I’m feeling so much less anxious.
I am a calm pillar of serenity, no matter how much goes on around me. I have plenty of time for everything, especially because I will make time and stay focused.
When I freak out about the Journal I need to remember:
- People love our content. Content is what we do best. People are forgiving and accepting as long as you are creating quality stuff.
- Only take on as much as is realistically feasible. Set feasible goals. We will strive for progress, not perfection. As long as we are in forward motion it will be fine.
- Outline what my goals are for the Journal this summer. What do I want to learn, what do I want to accomplish. What are my timelines?
- It all CAN be done, and done while having fun. Focus on the whole POINT of this journey — to learn and to have fun while doing it! You don’t need to put pressure on this.
- You have this AMAZING opportunity to contribute to your community, make others laugh, engage, and doing fun stuff while doing it.
- It doesn’t have to be as long or as detailed as you think. Your viewers aren’t as much of a perfectionist as you think. Your fastest most cropped work is what has worked best. Keep this in mind and you’ll be able to do more in less time.
- The Journal has a LOT to offer this community! There is VALUE in it even if you are still awkwardly fumbling around on how to monetize. Trust in the process. Believe in your work.
- You have a great product.