My heart hurts. Why can’t I stop drinking?

I drank again last night. And did coke. Didn’t sleep the entire night, but rather just rolled around and around in bed.

I don’t understand. Why can’t I stop drinking? Why does it seem as though my tools only work for so long until they no longer do? It seems as though I lose any and all desire to drink for a while, right after I adopt a new tool, and then something blindsides me and then I’m back in the gutter for days.

What the hell is it going to take for me? I’ve already hit so many rock bottoms it seems. It can’t go any lower. I don’t want to lose anything else. I know i’ve made so much progress but today it just feels like I’m back to where I started.

In the past my job hasn’t been a trigger. But yesterday, it was. Right around two o’clock the cravings came. I tried so hard. Tried all the tools. Tried to ride the tide of the craving, telling myself I didn’t have to identify with it, that it would pass. I could not stop thinking about how much I did not want to drink, but then tried to stop myself from thinking of what I did not want and tried to think about what I do want. I tried to stay present. I tried to reflect on my future self that I want so badly to honor.

And yet. I crumbled. Not only that, but i knew immediately that I was going to do blow and the whole shebang.

What the fuck. I was feeling so good yesterday. Which is part of the problem.

But yesterday morning I was also feeling lots of not-enoghness. I realize I place a ton of my value on my success, and also on being more successful than others. When Terra got the Forbes job I was so excited for her, but i immediately noticed a strange sensation of feeling threatened? And then I felt guilty for feeling that way, instead of pure, unadulturated joy for her. Judgy of myself for not being a better person. And then I was feeling overwhelmed by all these emotions.

Plus, I get a case of the fuck its whenever I’ve recently relapse. Like, a voice in my head tells me ‘Hey, you’re going to be sober someday. You already know it. So what’s another day of farewell?’ Ugh. My mind is sick. It needs help. I’ve experienced the intense spiritual healing, I’VE BEEN THERE! Where did it go?

Where did it go?

 

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