Day 1. The final relapse.

An epiphany I haven’t had in a long time has become very apparent to me today.

My past does not define my reality. I am not my thoughts, nor do they represent my reality. They don’t have to have power over me.

When I have thoughts, I am not being present, and I must fully immerge myself in the present moment. I must think of sober Laura, and her gaze of gratitude, for honoring her, me, us.

I want to start making my cartoons. Practicing. I want to help others. But I realize I must help myself first, because I can help others. I am my first customer.

I am determined to make this my last day 1. I’m not going to wait around for the magical epiphaies, I’m just going to buck up, feel the pain, and do the work work work.

I can see the future Laura. The one who quit drinking on June 21, 2016. We went through some really difficult patches. Did a lot of work. But it’s the best thing she’s ever done for herself, her relatonship, and for her world. She’s winking at me. You’ll be here soon enough. The healing is inside you. The tools are already inside you.

What have I learned?

I don’t need to wait to the sparkly rainbow of realization. I do the work and earn it through growth.

I am going to avoid my obvious triggers, but do the work in case I happen to encounter one unexpectedly.

Much of my addiction stems from a gnawing sense of urgency for no reason. It seems I drink to tame this unspoken sense of urgency, or anxiety, but then it makes the urgency worse. I get anxious for the next glass, about how to cover it up, etc. I’m not sure where it comes from but I think it’s from an attachment to productivity, and only seeing my value through that. I need to let that go, budget time, and remind myself that I have MORE than enough time to conquer the world. And by taking time for self, despite the shoulding, will benefit me tenfold in the long run.

I probably should have seen this last relapse coming. The thought midly floated into my mind approaching Great Full Gardens, just the idea of sitting in the sun with a glass of wine seemed so romantic, even if I secretly knew it would end up how it did. I should have gotten the ‘fuck its’ as in ‘fuck it’ it’s not worth giving up my sobriety, the most cherished thing in my life.

And then I thought I could hide it from Karl, which is rediculous. He sees right through me. When this happens I freak out and want to crawl in a hole, to break up with him to spare him of my struggle.

But this, too, shall pass. I don’t need to push those who care about me away. I will no longer think my tools don’t work, and double up on working the tools.

Because future Laura is worth it.

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