I realize if I’m moving through my day with complete awareness, I feel an overwhelming sense of calm. I have much more clarity, and I’m focused. Sometimes, I’m even overcome with joy for no reason at all.
Yesterday I went over the Power of Now quotes, and there was much discussion about how living with awareness will remove you from your pain. When you are living in the now, in a complete state of awareness, there is no fear, no regret, and no attachments. I wanted to learn more about what exactly it meant to live in awareness, so I Googled the topic and did some research on the subject. I was brought to an awesome page that really enlightened me. And it was so simple too. Just move into a state of awereness, and the rest will fall into place.
And, in the process, I also let go of constantly comparing my current state to that I was in in January. By constantly stacking up my recovery to the past I wasn’t allowing it to evolve and unfold the way it was meant. I was attaching to a past that I placed a value on, a value of superiority.
As soon as I realized this, and chose to let it go, I felt a woosh of relief wash through me. What happened, has happened, and I am grateful for what it was. But this is today, a day that is unique in its own nature and no better nor worse than any other moment.
I felt light at work. Almost ethereal. There was so much intense energy going around, anger, etc with the busy night, and yet, I accepted it completely and felt totally unaffected by it. I didnt’ judge it, I just oberserved and allowed it to be.
It wasn’t until I walked to my bike that night leaving work that I felt the pang. It’s a pang that romanticizes drinking, the part of me that puts those fleeting first few sips on a pedestool. I glanced over at Artemis and looked at the glowing outdoor bar and felt that pang, the one that wanted to head over there, take a set at that outdoor bar, and have a glass of wine. Then I felt the following resistence, and judgement. It was a small war, old habits die hard don’t you know. I knew I wasn’t going to do it, and I tried my best to observe the internal battle.
Today is a beautiful new day. I’m sitting outside and there’s a warm summer breeze blowing through the air. I watched a mountain chickadee hop on a branch close to me, picking up the bugs from the tree. I feel grateful. I would be lying if I didn’t say there’s a tiny drop of fear about experiencing craving at work. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. I’m here, right now, and right now is perfect.