Relapse Inventory

Part I

  1. In what ways was I actively working my program?
    1. meetings – Going about 5 – 7 times week Peru – one
    2. sponsor – meeting and talking on phone – Peru-lost touch
    3. steps – not much, feeling restless in this department Peru-nothing
    4. HP – praying, gratitude list at night per GR, mini meditation Peru – books
    5. service – taking action towards being present for others. Peru – none
  2. In what areas did I let program slide or become complacent.
    1. Meetings – I did not go to meetings
    2. sponsor – not calling her when I was having a hard time
    3. steps – no doing them
    4. HP – Lost touch, didn’t stay active in my habits
    5. service – Was not active in service
  3. In what ways was my life manageable?
    1. mentally – For the most part I was more mentally stable, sane, not depressed or as mean to myself.
    2. emotionally – more emotionally balanced. less self-loathing, no more apathy or not caring if I died
    3. physically – more consistent with my workouts and not poisoning my body with booze every night.
    4. spiritually – Feeling more connected to my HP and others
  4. In what ways was my life unmanageable?
    1. Mentally – lacking focus, diligence
    2. emotionally – hitting bottoms when I’m on my period and lashing out
    3. physically – not sure
    4. spiritually – losing touch with HP, sense of gratitude

Part II

  1. What led me to relapse.
    1. I thought I could control or minimize my bad behavior.
    2. It was an impulse that I overthought and thus rationlized.
    3. I was in denial because consciously I knew I would have no control once I started but I still followed a subconscious belief that I could control it. Also, because I had been around D&A since recovery without feeling triggered I overestimated my self control this time around even though I wasn’t sharpening my tools every day on the trip.
    4. I should have set stronger boundaries and said no drugs around me, or at least left the scene.
    5. I lacked faith in
    6. I did not take responsability in reaching out or setting boundaries to honor my commitment.
  2. Where do I go from here?
    1. What do I need to work on. REACHING OUT. Not letting shame and guilt get in the way of asking for help.
    2. What do I need to watch out for. warning signs. triggers. Being on my period. abusive internal language to myself, and way I’m treating Karl. Feeling sensitive or in pity-party mode.
    3. Pay attention to how I’m feeling and honor my state. Be of more service to others to stay out of pity party mode.
    4. I need to get in the habit of calling Beth and other alcoholics more.
    5. I need to get out of my comfort zone to do what is right, and put my pride aside.
    6. Prayer. Lots of serenity prayer.
    7. Having the courage to do what’s right even if it hurts. Letting go of what is outside of control.

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