Have you been having trouble with personal relationships?
Yes, I was having problems with my boyfriend mostly. As long as I was drinking there would be trust issues because I tend towards attention from the opposite sex and have even cheated in a blackout. I also didn’t have confidence in myself and was tunneled so deep in my selfishness that I couldn’t attend to his emotional needs. I was a also a bad influence on him and our relationship.
Whom do you resent right now? Why?
Mostly myself, for not being spiritually fit.
Is there anyone that you refuse to forgive?
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Are you full of fear in your relationships?
Mostly my relatinoship with myself, which is the main relationship I don’t entirely trust. I fear my lack of self-control, of how it is holding me back in life (career, recovery, health, mental well-being).
I fear not being good enough in my relationsihps. Not a good enough daughter, friend, etc. Sometimes because of this I overcommit and stretch myself too thin.
How successful are you at managing your sober life today?
On scale 1-10, a 5. I lack balance and focus. I have cravings.
Have you been careless with your program?
I have been avoiding picking up the phone to call. I then try to compensate for it by texting, meetings, or meeting for lunch (not the same).
Are you able to control your emotional nature?
I have a hard time controlling guilt and shame.
Are you quick to criticize with a biting or sarcastic tongue? Why?
I go in and out of phases like this. Last week I was very quick with this tongue with my boyfriend, to the point of it becoming a shameful knee-jerk reaction and being a bully. This is also when my cravings were at their worst. I was on my period but I think I also lashed out at him because he’s an easy target. I would never do this with my friends. I have also been annoyed with Nina for being too needy, for which I feel some guilt (projecting).
Do you fly off the handle easily? No.
Are you impatient with others? Are you impatient with certain situations?
Yes, I guess I have been impatient with my recovery. Impatient about results with my life.
Do you get road rage? No I actually am the opposite.
Can you be alone with yourself in the quiet? No
I have a hard time with being still and avoiding distraction. I always turn to podcasts/social media/food/coffee to fill the void. Even when I’m already doing something (driving/cooking/watching movie) I look to layer up on distraction.
None of the above. People would probably say I internalize things up till I pop. By pop I mean becoming a recluse or going off on a trip by myself. Friends have told me I am hard to read, or can seem aloof. I used to let people walk all over me but I’ve gotten better at setting boundaries or not involving myself in situations like that. Most of the violence is in my thinking to myself.
Do you want to become a better person? Desperately.
Probably a bit of both.
Can you be thankful for someone else pointing out your weaknesses and opening eyes to them? Yes, though I probably would think it stings to hear.
I would probably believe everything my enemy told me.
Do you face criticism with calmness and peace cuz it leads to growth? I know compassionate criticism is helpful.
In looking back over your life, what memeories are still painful, guilty, or do you still feel dirty about?
Not trying harder with the Journal, leaving it behind along with Meech.
Do you loath something about yourself?
Lack of self-control, focus.
Today, in what ways do you feel inadequate.
Inadequate in my spiritual nature. Inadequate in my ability to focus. Inadequate in my physique. Inadequate in my eating habits. Inadequate as a producer.
In what areas of my life am I still playing victim.
Feeling slighted by universe for not rewarding my efforts in recovery. Had a pity-party for myself for a week straight last week.
Have you bee prey to misery and depression lately?
I was sad last week but feeling better and much more grateful now.
What are your goals for working the steps?
I want to find serenity. Become a more compassionate person. Learn from others.
What are your goals for the future as you see them today?